As some of you know, I am an advocate of the soon-to-appear on a road near you, autonomous or self-driving cars. This new form of transportation will revolutionize our lives in ways we can’t even imagine today. And it’s coming along at the perfect time for someone my age. Someone who’s old enough to understand the illusion that human drivers have ‘control’ over those thousands of pounds of metal hurtling along our highways and through our neighborhoods. Autonomous cars will not blow through stop signs and take out small children on their way to school. These vehicles even stop to let ducklings cross the road.

So to demonstrate my faith in the efficacy of autonomous cars, I decided to let an iRoomba robotic vacuum cleaner attack my floors at home. Initially it was not a fair fight. We are over-run here with dust bunnies the actual size of full-grown hares. When I try to sweep them, or inhale them with the big vacuum, they swirl and run in packs, making themselves impossible to capture. They’ve even been known to fly directly at me while I’m operating the vacuum! I had my doubts as to how little iRoomba would cope with these frightening creatures. I should have had more faith. She sneaks up on those bunnies and sucks them up before they even realize the danger.

I quickly learned iRoomba must not be allowed to tackle more than a single room at a time. She has only a small dust bin which, around here, must be emptied after each room if she is to do her best cleaning. She cannot simply be turned on and let loose in the house. Corrals must be formed using chairs, books, broom handles, and whatever is handy. iRoomba comes with a small plastic box that, when operated properly, projects a virtual wall containing her into the one room. As we discovered, like so many of those pesky battery-operated devices the virtual wall only works when the batteries are installed the right way round.

Too much like me, iRoomba does a much better job if someone else picks up dog toys and moves furniture before she begins cleaning. We’re still waiting for the robotic dog toy picker-upper and hunky furniture mover.

Unlike me, when let loose in a bedroom, iRoomba enthusiastically races beneath the beds and roams around under there for several minutes, eventually emerging with a satisfied smile and a very full dust bin. Also unlike me, iRoomba gets really excited when she finds an extra dirty spot. She revs her motor, spins excitedly, and moves back and forth jerkily over the offending dirt. I have been known to behave in this manner, but not over a deposit of dirt.

The literature that came with her says iRoomba will stop and disengage herself when she inadvertently sucks up the tassel on a rug edge. We only hope she shows the same consideration when encountering the cat’s tail. Thus far, Patience regards iRoomba with great suspicion.

The literature also promises that iRoomba will decide for herself when the floors are thoroughly clean and will then return to her dock for a well-deserved re-charge. To date, our iRoomba has never demonstrated this feature, indicating a possible malfunction, or that this ‘thoroughly clean’ level is not achievable on our floors, something I have long suspected.

My conclusion: iRoomba does best with dust bunnies. She needs help with pine needles, small rocks, and mysterious tiny plastic objects. I’m happy to have her help even though, like everyone, she has a few limitations. Heaven knows, I have mine.

I hope you find this information useful, or at least entertaining. Do you have any household cleaning innovations, or comments you’d like to share?